Hurtful
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What you are REALLY saying:
I DON’T GET IT!
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Helpful - Hopeful
EMPATHETIC
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It’s all in your head;
It’s just a phase
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Invalidates their experience;
implies they are manipulative, exaggerating, looking for attention
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I know what you are going through is real
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We ALL go through times like this
I know! Me too…it’s just like the time I ….
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Well-meaning, but does not convey true understanding; generalizes/ minimizes their experience
Makes it about you (conversational narcissism)
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I may not understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help
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You have so much to live for!
(Why would you want to die?)
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Well-meaning, but says they have no right to their feelings; creates guilt that they are ungrateful for what they do have
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You are important to me. Your life is important to me
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Get over it...look on the bright side!
Well at least….
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Condescending
Creates a sense of inadequacy
Comparisons to others who have it worse create guilt
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Even though it might be hard to see now, things can get better; the way you are feeling will change
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You’ll be fine. Stop worrying!
(Calm down!)
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Commands NEVER help. Only creates anger/doubling down.
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You are not alone in this.
I’m here for you.
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You should just…..(advice)
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Avoid “shoulds”
(ONLY offer advice if asked)
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Talk to me.
I’m listening.
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What’s wrong with you? Shouldn’t you be over it by now?
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Increases their sense of failure. There is NO timeline for human emotion, regardless of the situation
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I’m here for you.
We’ll get through this together
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What do you want ME to do? I can’t do anything about your situation
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Reinforces hopeless/helpless feelings; tells them they are a burden; makes it about you
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Tell me what I can do NOW to help you.
How about we….
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